Thinking about it, this shouldn’t be quite as big a deal as it is.  After all, my children have taken swimming lessons and music lessons from other people, as well as participating in religious ed. classes… but for some reason, today feels like a first.

Today, a math tutor walked through my front door.  She wasn’t here for a visit.

In my ten years of homeschooling my children, this is the first time anyone has taught one of them academics of any kind other than myself. 

My eldest, Pumpkin, has been struggling with her math for about a year. She flunked a semester of math because she wasn’t motivated to do it, preferring to read instead of expend energy on academics. (The dual blessing and cursing sides of the homeschool coin.) Oh, she turned in paper with lead on them… but not consistently accurate enough work to pass the course, much less maintain the ‘A’ average of which she is capable. I reiterated to her the necessity of academic excellence and gave her the opportunity to remediate that semester.  Last week, we discovered that despite a more serious effort, she still had not managed to pass the course. 

I’d like to be clear here.  Pumpkin did not fail because she is lacking in intelligence.  She did not fail because she didn’t understand the material or was incapable of doing so.  She didn’t fail because the program was incompatible with her learning style.  She didn’t fail because she was bored at having to do an excessive amount of the same type problems. She failed because she decided that until she figured out what she wanted to do with her life, she didn’t see the point in wasting time or effort on her math when she’d rather be reading instead. (I know this not just because I am MOTHER, her TEACHER, and one of her constant companions… though I did know it, she TOLD me that in so many words!) However, despite that, when my husband finally got involved in the discussions, more than one of the above excuses were offered by himself, a serious questioning of my judgement, ability to competently teach our children, and a body blow for which I was unprepared. A placement test over that material proved that this was not boredom, but proved out the true lack of knowledge of the material.

Once you’ve ‘clocked out’ so intensely for such a long time, ‘clocking in’ doesn’t happen immediately, kwim? Bad habits are much easier to acquire than to overcome.  Being almost halfway through 8th grade, time to address this issue before it becomes part of her permanent high school transcript is waning.  Thus, serious discussions were undertaken, a contract containing expectations, goals, rewards, and penalties was drawn up, signed, and a tutor hired.

I must admit that having to hire a tutor is one thing.  Having to hire a math tutor is something else entirely. I love math. It is one of my great passions. One of my big, hairy, audacious life goals is to go back and get my degree in Mathematics with a teaching certificate once the children are grown. I’m not a bad math teacher either – despite not having a degree, often answering questions and explaining concepts for friends or friend’s children, even over the phone!  So on top of feeling like I’d failed my daughter (I know, I know, it’s a leading the horse to water issue…), I felt even MORE a failure for having failed at teaching math!

So, it was with resignation, and many mixed feelings that I greeted our new math tutor at the front door. A very neat lady and quite the kindred spirit (loves to read, loves math), she came in and tackled the situation with grace and good will.  She looked at the test, looked at the material Pumpkin failed to pass, looked at the materials I had switched to in an effort to work through the problem areas, and gave her approval of them and they were off. (The approval of my choice of materials was a balm to my savaged teacher’s soul.)

I had another obligation and so had to leave part way through the tutorial. Upon returning home, I was met at the door by Pumpkin who was eager to share how the experience went.  She enjoyed it!  She got along very well with the tutor - who fed the book-monster with discussion after getting the business done… and Pumpkin told me that she was very impressed with this tutor because of how she dealt with her.  Pumpkin said that she half expected the tutor to schmooze her, say how it really wasn’t that bad and yada yada, just taking the money and saying what we wanted to hear.  She said she really liked it that the tutor was honest with her. The tutor sat down, looked the stuff over, and said that I (her Mom) was RIGHT, that she really thought Pumpkin could’ve done this material if she had just applied herself and that she had done this to herself but that she thought they could get her caught up if she’d apply herself and it not be nearly so hard as Pumpkin had anticipated.

**Pardon me while I do a major happy dance.**

I can’t stress enough what a burden this problem has been. How frustrating, how demoralizing.  My self confidence had been badly shaken, not to mention the soaring concern over character flaws I perceived in my daughter which allowed this problem to flourish. Pumpkin appeared to be understanding the seriousness of the situation, but she’s appeared to do so before to no avail.  I was desperate over how to reach her and almost at my wits end. To have someone like this tutor, a bonafied math teacher and school counselor in her own right, come in and agree not only with the materials I was using, but also agree with my assessment of the situation was a blessing beyond what I am capable of describing beyond admitting that I am teary just at thinking of it. To have my daughter admit that this was true, to appreciate the honesty and agree that the tutor was right, and to be relieved in her own right at the prospect of being able to remedy her problems and attain the goals set for her and rejoice in the solution was huge. The relief and lightening of my spirit is substantial as well.

So in the end, what I anticipated as a serious blow, a failing, the proverbial finger in an already burgeoning dyke, has become a blessing.  Not only are we dealing with the problem and working not only actively but successfully toward the solution and desired goal, but I think some real healing has taken place in my daughter, in myself, and in our relationship with each other.  This has been good for my daughter because an impartial observer has given a ‘ruling’ and didn’t sugar coat it. She understands that she IS being held accountable in the same way I have, but by that impartial observer.  She understands that I was on target in both my expectations and my assessments of her academic ability and efforts. Her confidence in me, and mine in myself, has been renewed. Best of all, we are both looking at this situation as a bump in the road again, instead of the Everest it had become, and we are partners again instead of adversaries… no longer bound in mutual feelings of despair, failure, and bondage.

God is so good to have put friends in place who encouraged me to engage this tutor, who recommended her, introduced us, and understood when I could not, that this did not have to be a mark in the ‘con’ column. I am so grateful that God does not expect me to be perfect, but to do my best, and when I have exhausted myself to that end, steps in and carries me. I pray this experience helps me to strive all the more to be a better mom and teacher for my children… and that in the end, God would not hold my failures in either endeavor to their accounts.