The other day the girls and I ate at the local Chinese buffet.  (This one has my favorites, Jalapeno Chicken and sauteed green beans… but I digress. ) The meal wouldn’t be complete without the girls going through the fortunes in the cookies and giving opinions on how well each fit its owner.  I don’t care for fortune cookies. They taste like cardboard baked in a little egg wash.  Still, the fortunes must be read and that day they were particularly good.

The girls wanted to know what mine said and so I read aloud to them, “He who hurries does not walk with dignity.”

Cricket said immediately in a matter of fact tone, “So that’s why Gandalf is always late!”

To which Pumpkin turned up her nose and opined, “Wizards are never late.  They always arrive precisely when they mean to.”

That’s what passes for witty repartee in a homeschooling family.

These are hysterical… #4 is my favorite…

Horror Movie Safety Tips

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(Added: 28-Oct-2004 Rating: 6.78 Votes: 9 )

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead.

2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else’s voice.

5. As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

6. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.

7. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short-circuits; just get out.

8. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

9. If you find a town, which looks deserted, there’s probably a good reason for it. Don’t stop and look around.

10. Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you’re doing.

11. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

12. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Sunnydale, Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, and Nilbog, anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

13. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.

14. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.

15. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices.

16. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a flashlight, not a candle.

17. Do not go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside.

18. If you’re searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it’s just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!

 Hat Tip to RNW at Postscripts who shared this little tidbit in her conversion story of all places…

I bring you this story courtesy of a new friend, Heidi, from the homeschool forums.  She has given me permission to share it here so that I may have it for posterity.  Talk about a kindred spirit! I’m thinkin’ we need to get together for Indian… 

Once, a guy, obviously from India, called to sell me a mattress. After the fourth hang-up call in an hour, I picked up. I was eating lunch and talked with my mouth full. Here is how the conversation went:

“Hello, how are you today Mrs. _____?”
“I’m fine, I’m great!”
“I would like to tell you about a mattress that will change your …”
“First, let me tell you about the lunch I’m eating. I am having a sandwich of turkey on 8-grain bread with tomatoes and watercress. Have you eaten?”
“Uh, yes, but would…”
“Oh, what did you eat?”
“Uh, some vegetables.”
“Are you a vegetarian?”
“Yes, I…”
“What vegetables did you have?”
“Some potato, onion, carrot, and many spices.”
“Curry?”
“Yes, but…”
“Oh, I looove curry. Red or yellow?”
“Yellow.”
“You know, I can’t eat onions at all, they give me the worst heartburn.”
“I must go now…”
“Aaawww, that’s too bad, I wanted to know your recipe for your vegetables.”
“Maybe another time.”
“Oh!!! Give me your home phone number! I’ll call you when you get off of work! We can chat then.”
“No, thank you, ma’am, I must go now.”

My kids stared at me like I was out of my mind. Then they died laughing and kept telling the story to everyone who would listen.

The super funny part is that I started out being fecitious, but then I got into the conversation. When I finally thought of asking for his number, I almost wished he would tell me so I could have the recipe!! You should have heard his final sign off. He was desperate to get ME off the phone. Just imagine the Indian accent…HILARIOUS.
 

The princes have had a leetle fun with their grandmere… Gotta love it!  Someone give the Queen’s secretary some knickers from the 21st century… that man takes his job WAY too seriously!