Assisted with Catechism class again today… I say assisted instead of taught because available opportunities to contribute to the discussions are rare. I still find myself the resident ‘bouncer’. It is frustrating, to say the least. I feel I am constantly dealing with the disciplinary issues which are important, but without tying any ‘strings’ that would come through the interaction teaching would provide. The discipline without the strings is like holding your hand on an arterial bleed… it may staunch the flow for a time, but not really reach the source to do any real good and in the end the patient will still bleed out.

On top of that, I find myself frustrated by other things… a couple of the children, one regular attendee in particular, is from a family that obviously teaches the faith at home. The rest appear spiritually malnourished. Most, if you can get a real discussion going, at least get involved and ask questions or listen to what others are saying. That, however, doesn’t happen so often. Usually we have irreverence towards prayer, indifference more often than not towards the material covered in class, excess jocularity which then makes for increased disciplinary action, just to name a few. The few times we’ve really gotten deep into the material have been so good, and I had great hopes for assisting with this class, and such a passion both for my faith and a desire for reaching these children (whom I’ve really developed a heart and affection for), sharing that faith with them…but there are only two classes left and while I am teaching the next one alone (the other teacher has arranged a trip out of town for that week), the opportunity is essentially gone.

I had originally thought that next year would bring another opportunity, and perhaps even another opportunity with these same children should I be able to help teach the next grade level up. However, as time has passed I have begun to doubt that. I have become convicted all over again about the importance of religious education at home. I was aware of that of course, and we do a cover a great deal of religious material at home, enough that the girls really aren’t learning anything of substance in their religious ed classes that they don’t know already. However, I am increasingly impressed that I should be at home continuing the good work I have begun… after all, my job is not yet finished in that regard. Unfortunately, the time spent in prep and ‘assisting’ with Catechism class is, in essence, time spent doing other parents jobs which they are neglecting. I can’t help but face the fact that regardless of how badly I wish to pass on the faith to these children, it is not my job to do that, even as a Catechist, it is their parents’ job. Catechists’ are merely there to assist, to reinforce. I have come home from each class tormented, either from important topics uncovered in class, opportunities missed, frustration, depression, various emotions in response to various events, thoughts, etc and so I have spent an incredible amount of ‘personal’ resources on this ‘investment’ and as I have ‘considered’ it, I have realized how much time I spend in teaching my children about our faith… how much we talk about it “as we rise, as we work, as we walk along the way”… There is NO way that a one hour and fifteen minute class per week, not even 52 weeks per year (which we don’t get anywhere near), can impart even close to what is necessary to these children, and I am taking that prep/teaching time away from my children in order to tackle an impossible task. An impossible task that I have great enthusiasm for, true, and will probably tackle again one day but not while I have such a large load on my shoulders already, not while I have children of my own still at home and under my teaching. Not next year. This is very difficult for me to accept. However, should I have any doubts about God’s leading on this issue, I only vaguely mentioned my thoughts to dh and he got a stunned look on his face and informed me that I most certainly would NOT be teaching next year, and that he was surprised that I had even considered it. I asked if he was invoking the obedience clause and he responded in the adamant affirmative.

It is not unlike the time MOPS leadership requested I seek God’s will on a leadership position with the group at our church, which I did, only to have Him very clearly tell me no. Was it a good thing? Yes, but it wasn’t God’s will for me, He had other plans. Once again I find that while I desired to do a good thing, it was not God’s will for me, and yet He has used it to reinforce what ministry He HAS called me to and just how important and essential that ministry is. How often I am tempted to spend myself on the good, instead of focusing on the best…It will be very difficult to walk away from teaching Catechesis.

I am relieved that my duties as Eucharistic Minister DO seem to be His will for me as those continue to fit well and properly into my life and are a blessing.